tia. nineteen. setx. engaged. <3 photography, children, music, ballet, drawing, sculpting, painting, writing, red, buttons, bows, headbands, converse, jewelry, birds, trees, winter, coffee&cigarettes, fires, saratoga, smithville, the richard's farm, sweet peach tea, backroads.
What do you see when you look into the mirror, it said. I don’t see anything, I replied. The only thing I see is sorrow.
I see the changes in life better than most. I live in a world of seclusion, but I couldn’t be more conscious of the world around me. Haunting me and following me into dream and back again. Corrupting my thoughts and creating demons wherever I look for salvation. I am lost within every crevice of my soul. The very essence of myself has been shifting, and sadly, shrouded in mystery. I am lost from everything real.
When I look back on my past, I see happiness and time well spent. When I look to my future, I am filled with dread. It always seems to me that when I find a crack in the ground, I must trip on it. Where did we go wrong? No one else mattered to her than I, and I cared about her more than all the comforts of the world. Was it a frivolous to think that I can change one’s mind? Am I trying in vain? The anguish of everyday life without her is more pain than one should have to live through in a lifetime. To know she is happy with someone else, and to see myself begging for sleep and for a tiny bit of happiness. The happiness that I know is there. Hidden but not lost. No yet.
When I told her how I felt, she heard it, but I do not think that she grasped the emotions sewn into the words. The canvas of my life is blank and she is every color of the world in perfection. I wish she would come into my life and bring the color back into what has become a barren gray world.
But today I have caught a glimpse of her thinking about me, and life shot through my veins like heroin. Everything warming and becoming sharper and brighter. I love her more than life. I have tried and tried for her to see what I have seen through all of this. How I used to beg for her. How everyday that she was with him I hurt more than should be possible during a day. But tonight had been different. She didn’t deny my thoughts. She listened. And I sit here constantly thinking through my head, what if things changed. What if life wasn’t empty as it always has been. I could be happy with her. I just need her to wander into the deep and see if she can swim. There is always a chance of drowning, but she just might realize that she is one with the water. That she can live, and not only live. Be happy.
I just wish that she would see as I see. To face the fears she has head on. Wishing just doesn’t seem to pay the bills.
Part of me loves the person who wrote this. The other part of me hates him for what he did to me. Leaving me because I didn’t want him, he fucked all of that up years ago. I rarely ever talk to him, but why do I find myself missing him? It’s not that I long to be with him. I’m happy with my life and the love of my life. I’m getting married in 7 months. But, why is that longing still there with him? I’m not sure, and I don’t regret my decision in the least. Maybe I just feel this way because he knew/knows me better that I know myself. He loved me at my lowest points, I told him everything. I hid nothing and he still accepted me, loved me, and wanted me for who I was. I loved him too for what its worth. Over time that love faded. I didn’t want him anymore. I gave him all of me and he left me there broken, and he didn’t even help pick up the pieces. I honestly think I’m missing our friendship we had. Or maybe I put the thought that I didn’t need him since I had gotten better in the back of my mind. I can’t be positively sure. It’s still that part of what if. Well, I’m perfectly happy with my fiance. Anyways, they always said “curiosity killed the cat”.
I see the changes in life better than most. I live in a world of seclusion, but I couldn’t be more conscious of the world around me. Haunting me and following me into dream and back again. Corrupting my thoughts and creating demons wherever I look for salvation. I am lost within every crevice of my soul. The very essence of myself has been shifting, and sadly, shrouded in mystery. I am lost from everything real.
When I look back on my past, I see happiness and time well spent. When I look to my future, I am filled with dread. It always seems to me that when I find a crack in the ground, I must trip on it. Where did we go wrong? No one else mattered to her than I, and I cared about her more than all the comforts of the world. Was it a frivolous to think that I can change one’s mind? Am I trying in vain? The anguish of everyday life without her is more pain than one should have to live through in a lifetime. To know she is happy with someone else, and to see myself begging for sleep and for a tiny bit of happiness. The happiness that I know is there. Hidden but not lost. No yet.
When I told her how I felt, she heard it, but I do not think that she grasped the emotions sewn into the words. The canvas of my life is blank and she is every color of the world in perfection. I wish she would come into my life and bring the color back into what has become a barren gray world.
But today I have caught a glimpse of her thinking about me, and life shot through my veins like heroin. Everything warming and becoming sharper and brighter. I love her more than life. I have tried and tried for her to see what I have seen through all of this. How I used to beg for her. How everyday that she was with him I hurt more than should be possible during a day. But tonight had been different. She didn’t deny my thoughts. She listened. And I sit here constantly thinking through my head, what if things changed. What if life wasn’t empty as it always has been. I could be happy with her. I just need her to wander into the deep and see if she can swim. There is always a chance of drowning, but she just might realize that she is one with the water. That she can live, and not only live. Be happy.
I just wish that she would see as I see. To face the fears she has head on. Wishing just doesn’t seem to pay the bills.
Part of me loves the person who wrote this. The other part of me hates him for what he did to me. Leaving me because I didn’t want him, he fucked all of that up years ago. I rarely ever talk to him, but why do I find myself missing him? It’s not that I long to be with him. I’m happy with my life and the love of my life. I’m getting married in 7 months. But, why is that longing still there with him? I’m not sure, and I don’t regret my decision in the least. Maybe I just feel this way because he knew/knows me better that I know myself. He loved me at my lowest points, I told him everything. I hid nothing and he still accepted me, loved me, and wanted me for who I was. I loved him too for what its worth. Over time that love faded. I didn’t want him anymore. I gave him all of me and he left me there broken, and he didn’t even help pick up the pieces. I honestly think I’m missing our friendship we had. Or maybe I put the thought that I didn’t need him since I had gotten better in the back of my mind. I can’t be positively sure. It’s still that part of what if. Well, I’m perfectly happy with my fiance. Anyways, they always said “curiosity killed the cat”.
Keep Calm and Drink Tea theme by Polaraul
